"Kevin Garnett: Straight-Up Nuts Or Crazy Like A Boxer?" or "Deep Impact: Kevin Garnett Pioneers Trend Down Low"

I don't know about you guys, but I love watching the copycats come meowing out of the alleyways when someone popular or influential does something that gets noticed, and then everybody tries to follow their lead acting as if they were the ones who originated "The Cool."

Well, I'm here to make sure that one of my favorite players and one of the greatest Celtics of all-time gets his proper due as the winner, trendsetter and creative genius that he is.

Kevin Garnett has long been recognized as one of those true superstars of the game who come along only once in a blue (and green?) moon and do SO many things in such a way that they become prototypical for players at their position for years to come. He's redefined the job specs for Power Forwards in the League, infusing the spot with a versatility and ferocious brand of defense heretofore unseen in such a lean, mean package. And now, as he has been for the past couple of years, KG is on a mission to try and conquor the Center position as well, even at the (by NBA standards) advanced age of 36.

Standing now on the precipice of yet another defining moment, the proper kudos should be given to KG for the latest in-game fad that, while he didn't exactly introduce it to the League, has garnered its share of attention as others have begun utilizing it with the kind of flair and confidence that could only have been nurtured by watching a star of KG's caliber execute it to perfection.

But, what is this painfully primal practice to which I am referring? Why, I'm talking about that timeless crunching classic, that surefire shot, that tried-and-true tapper so popular that it has not only propelled the program America's Funniest Home Videos to the pinnacle of pugilistic pageantry making them the grand high kings of comedic culture, it has also enabled them to celebrate an amazing (and some might say agonizingly achieved) milestone (more on this later) recently. I speak, of course, about the act and the art of hitting, slapping or punching another human male "where the sun don't usually shine."

The art of the Nutcracker -- or Junkshot, if you will -- has made a crushing comeback on NBA courts around the country this season and, if this lake is traced back directly to its tributary, one can only end their noble journey at the feet (and hand) of that Celtic trailblazer (now THAT'S an oxymoron if I ever heard one!) The Big Ticket himself. Or had you forgotten his magnificent marble masher against Phoenix Sun Chandler Frye back in 2011?

Now, I know what some of you are thinking: "If Garnett is such a trendsetter, why did it take so long for the 'Sack Snap' -- or Oyster Shooter, if you will -- to catch on?" My answer to you is: "I. Don't. Know."

The best that I can assume is that, like many transformative trends, it took a while to catch fire, much as the hot of-the-moment fashions of Paris eventually find their way to Los Angeles and New York months later (and to the middle states a few years after that); like old sitcoms -- "Everybody Loves Raymond," for instance -- that trickle over time to the likes of Sweden years later as "Alla älskar Raymond" or something of that nature, so, too does the inherent genius of a player of Garnett's ilk take its time to marinate and flavor the NBA like a nice, juicy steak.

Scoff you may, but this ball-busting trend seems to be swelling by the day. Remember this special Christmas delivery from DeMarcus Cousins to O.J. Mayo back in December?

And, most recently, taking the trend to a new high...er, low...shot-blocker turned *ock-socker Serge Ibaka of the Oklahoma City Thunder practiced against the privates of the league's top ball-slammer Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers:

The NBA has fined Oklahoma City’s Serge Ibaka $25,000 for striking Blake Griffin of the Los Angeles Clippers in the groin area.

The incident, which was called a Flagrant Foul 1 on the floor and upgraded to a Flagrant Foul 2 upon league office review, occurred with 1:52 remaining in the fourth quarter of the Thunder’s 108-104 win over the Clippers on Sunday, March 3 at Staples Center.

The announcement was made by Stu Jackson, NBA Executive Vice President, Basketball Operations.

-- HoopsWorld.com

Ouch.

In fact, this trend is becoming such a hit that some of the game's most notorious...ahhh...ball-busters are lamenting the fact that they're perhaps too late to the party:

Now, you KNOW that if a guy like Matt Barnes wishes he could do it, it MUST be bad@$$!

And, just think about the marketing possibilities that abound for players if the "Whack-A-Sack" becomes a signature move in the NBA: protective groin cups will make a comeback, opening up yet another revenue stream for endorsement-hungry players -- "Hi, my name is LeBron James and I'm a professional basketball player for the Miami Heat. I'm committed to helping my team win not just one Championship, so I don't have time to be laying on the court tucked into the fetal position crying like a little b*tch after some lower-level @$$hole takes a swipe at the 'Little King.' That's why I wear (insert cool new protective groin cup company here)."

Maybe they can turn those hot magnetic bracelets into a waist chain that helps build a force field that protects "what lies beneath," or on the offensive side, maybe they can sell wrist workout tapes designed to help you build the strength and stamina needed to pull off the proper "*ick flick." Back again to prevention, maybe they could market a new kind of "Icy Hot" geared specifically for the nether-region that renders the vulnerable area sensation-free in the event of a "Sack Attack." This may even come in handy for many players who tend to -- how should we say? -- "give the fans what they want" which can sometimes lead to a severe case of "brain strain," if you will.

But, of course, just as any popular trend will tend to produce scores of supporters, so too, do they attract members of the "No-Fun Brigade" who are always eager to step up to try and throw a cold, wet blanket over the entire proceeding:

I guess, in the end, it's probably for the best. After all, as the saying goes, the best are often imitated but never duplicated and I firmly believe that none of these "Weed Wackers," if you will, will ever be able to hold a candle to a true original like KG. Besides, if the NBA "Number Crunchers," if you will, keep going at this clip, guys like Tom Bergeron -- host of the above referenced America's Funniest Home Videos -- will eventually have nowhere to store all of that footage...

While he, of course, noted with a laugh that in the 500^th episode “they’ll be a lot more people falling down and doing ridiculous things,” Bergeron also revealed there would be another milestone for the show that same night: the 1,000,000 groin shot.

No, perhaps we should just put this topic on ice, let the burning questions cool and recede after one last hand for Kevin Garnett, and take the knee on this one...

Stop The Speculation, I Want To Get Off! Rumors Distract From Dramatic Celtics Turnaround-In-The-Making

Farewell Kris Joseph...we hardly knew ye and goodbye Jarvis Varnado...we really didn't know you at all.

As many outlets and blogs reported a few days ago, the Boston Celtics cut Joseph and Varnado from the roster.

Though Varnado's departure was something less than a shocker, the release of Joseph was more surprising, what with his rampage all over the D-League averaging 17.7 points, 5 rebounds, 1 assists and 1 steal. He had more than one fan here in Boston and it appeared that management was interested in developing him for the future (at least it seemed that way with all the call-backs from Maine). Oddly enough, it's (Cookie) Jarvis (See? I even had a nickname for the guy if he stuck around!) who is drawing interest from his old team, the Miami Heat.
 
Now, depending on which site you read, the waivers were either a series of somewhat pedestrian moves designed to cut salary before January 7th when all contracts became guaranteed, and also open up roster spots for a possible free agent or two just loosed from their respectively-frugal team; or, the cuts came as an ominous harbinger to some mega-blockbuster trade that's in the works that would send Avery Bradley, Brandon Bass and/or Jared Sullinger with some picks to Sacramento for ultra-talented basket case DeMarcus Cousins. Or maybe Anderson Varejao. Or was that Marcin Gortat? Maybe it was Pau Gasol? No, I'm pretty sure it was for Ralph Sampson, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Hakeem Oulijawon, George Mikan (RIP) or some other amazing deal that would mark us as instant contenders.

As they had, even during the height of all the hysterical Tweetage, Facebookery, Instagrambling and G-Chatter, one report after another continued to surface in which Sacramento officials flatly rejected the notion that they are looking to part with the troubled and troublesome but extremely talented forward/center. This might have something to do with the fact that, upon the second night of his return from a multi-game team-imposed suspension, he dropped a triple double on the Celtics and followed that with games in which he scored 21 points with 14 rebounds, 3 steals and 2 assists; 18 points with 16 boards,  6 assists, 2 steals and 1 block; 31 points, 20 rebounds, 4 assists and 2 steals; and 28 points, 11 rebounds, 3 assists and 1 block.  Not coincidentally, the Kings reeled off a string of 3 wins/2 losses over that span, which is exciting for a team in a season in which success had been in short supply thus far. The kid is averaging 17 points 10 rebounds 2 assists and a block for the season. I believe the Kings when they say "he ain't goin' nowhere."

And, even if Danny Ainge were somehow able to miraculously pry him from the Kings' cold, sweaty hands (after all, the man IS a headcase. Having argued with just about every coach he's had since kindergarten and after his groin-punching incident with O.J. Mayo, next time, he's libel to bite someone's ear off or dunk a baby, or bite a baby and dunk an ear...) would he be worth the risk to our newfound chemistry, even if he IS a rare talent?

Seriously, though...you do have to believe that Danny Ainge is always looking for ways to improve and gain more young talent to build for a future that will include only one-third of the Big Three, especially after the start to the season that the Celtics had before seemingly righting the ship with convincing wins against Indiana, Atlanta and New York.

The problem with the Cousins scenario (and most of the others) is that part of the reason for the Celtics rediscovery of their defensive mojo is the return of defensive wunderkind Bradley, who has seemingly reignited the spark within his teammates.

The question that has to be pondered is this: "Are we trying to win it all (the alleged premise of re-signing Kevin Garnett and not trading Paul Pierce when teams like the Clippers came calling), or are we rebuilding for the future?"

You can make a convincing enough case that it's possible to retool and be somewhat competitive while acknowledging that there will probably not be another Finals run anytime soon, but A) that's not what Co-Owner Wyc Grousbeck, Danny and Doc Rivers sold the public (though it wouldn't be the first time we've been had) and B) if you take them at their word, it's not what Kevin Garnett and Paul Pierce signed on for, either.

With all of that said, it is more than likely that the moves and signings that were made this Summer were done so with the belief that this team had what it would take to make a serious title run now. Does the addition of Cousins, and all of his growing baggage guarantee or even greatly increase the chances of making and possibly winning the Finals? Not so much. And, just as important, does the subtraction of Bradley, Bass and/or even  Sullinger in any way diminish those same hopes? Possibly...but, especially if the team's currently improved play during the recent streak of wins against quality teams is as connected to R.O.B. (the Return Of Bradley, of course!) as it appears.

My suspicions about all of the wild and rampant speculation is that it is just that: wild and rampant speculation. I believe that the GMs of both teams are actually telling the truth this time (shocking, I know.) and Danny is really trying to squeeze at least one more championship out of the core, and Kings President Geoff Petrie is not looking to part with Cousins because you just don't give up on all that upside.

To date, the best written piece about what the cuts probably most-likely possibly mean in reality comes from ESPN's Chris Forsberg who essentially describes the moves as clearing roster spots and saving cash for potential free agents.
 
Unless, of course, the Celtics can land Rudy Gay (rumored to be on the block) or some other stud for the cost of Avery Bradley, Jared Sullinger, Brandon Bass, three draft picks, 2 free pivot lessons with Bill Russell, a crate of 1986 Celtics Mystique and whatever other ludicrous combination of giveaways you can imagine.

Some of the names that might circle back into free-agent signing discussions are not necessarily of the game-changing variety, but some of them might be at least as serviceable as Darko Milicic was in his short stint with The Green.

We have, in no particular order:

Kenyon Martin (though rumors have him possibly joining the New York Knicks. Yay.).

Ben Wallace, that is if he hasn't already checked himself into a nice retirement community in Florida by now.

Chris "Birdman" Anderson. I know what you're thinking. For me, it's all about whether the charges of his involvement with child porn had any basis in reality, more than anything remotely related to our need for a big. Who cares about talent after that. He, too, has been worked out by the Miami Heat to see if he's worth adding to the likes of LeBrontasourus Wrecks, Chris Botch and D-Report. Figures.

 

Eric Dampier. If it comes to this, they should just save the money and bring Fab Melo back and take their chances. 

 

In fact, before they bring any of these guys in, they should think seriously about using Melo in very short stints to give him NBA experience. I don't think they're going to damage his fragile psyche for future development as per the excuse that the team has used to keep him under wraps. Besides...they might want to keep a closer eye on their future big to make sure he doesn't get into any more fights with hotel doorways, ice machines or elevators. THOSE could pose a threat to future development!

 

THE BUZZ:

 

Boston Celtics vs. Phoenix Suns

Wednesday, January 9th, 2013

7:30 p.m.

@ The Garden

 

Can the C's keep it going against what looms as a classic letdown game (the Suns are 12-24 and just lost to Milwaukee -- the Celtics have just beaten three of the upper echelon teams in the League...) and maintain their forward motion since the R.O.B.? Tune in to find out!

Kings Give Celtics The Royal Flush: 96-118

The Celtics were banished back to Boston by the Sacramento Kings to close out their disappointing road trip with a 22-point loss.

The C's are now 2 games below .500 and hold the distinction, according to Celtics Broadcaster Extraordinaire Mike Gorman, of being the first team since the 1977 Celtics to have lost three consecutive games by a total of 18 or more points each. The Kings have now won 6 out of their last 7 home games.

Things can't get much worse, but they CAN get worse. Thus far, the Celtics have remained turmoil-free with respect to finger pointing and accusations, which is positive because they'll need to come together to right their listing ship.

Now, don't get me wrong...they can and will get it together. As Celtics from Rajon Rondo (who returned after a one game absence due to a hip injury) to Kevin Garnett to Coach Doc Rivers have said, the team as a whole still plays too singularly. That is, there are 15 individuals who must figure out what it takes to play as one team.

On this night, you could almost hear each player running the defensive schemes over in their heads, which led to hesitancy that gave way to stiff and mechanical play that allowed the Kings to punch gaping holes in the Charmin-soft middle of the Celtics' defense to the tune of 56 interior points to the Celtics' 38.

Six Celtics scored in double figures, but it mattered not as the Kings buried them in a 4th quarter barrage of 3-pointers that put a game out of reach that was already slipping away thanks to a triple-double from reported malcontent DeMarcus Cousins and a performance from Isaiah Thomas that made stat checkers wonder if they had accidentally pulled up one of the old games of the Hall-Of-Fame Detroit Bad Boy himself.

I won't get into individual stats for the Celtics (or the Kings, for that matter. You can check them in the Box Score and Tale Of The Tape links if you REAAAALY want to), but the C's were once again out-shot (53.7% to 41.4% from the field and 50% to 31.8% from Threeland), out-rebounded (45 to 36), and out-run (20 fast-break points to 9).

Things don't figure to get any easier with a return to the Garden, however, as the Celtics return home to face the Memphis Grizzlies and old friend Tony Allen on Wednesday, but at least the Green will have two days off to turn their books to the same page. Maybe some trust exercises are in order, with someone standing on a chair while the rest of the team waits to catch them from behind as they fall.

Aaaannnnyyyywaayyyy...

Tale Of The Tape

Box Score