Monday, February 11, 2013

Celtics Doing The Work Of The Devil?


So, as everybody undoubtedly knows by now, the Los Angeles Lakers -- minus The Cookie Monster -- sauntered into town carrying with them the swagger of a team with a 6-1 record in their last 7 games. And, as we all know, they left dragging the confidence of an 8-year-old child wandering alone through a dark haunted house full of corners.

The Celtics? They just keep chugging along like a steaming locomotive, unaware that its back car has detached and the coal supply is dangerously low. They're riding their second six-game winning streak of the season and have continued to laugh heartily, even derisively, in the face of the adversity they've battled in recent weeks with the loss of their rebounding rookie phenom Jared Sullinger and fearlessly-leading fuel source Rajon Rondo.

By rights, when you lose your best player and offensive pilot, your team is supposed to flop to the ground and flounder like a fish looking for water. With reasonable expectation, a team that loses one of the few able-bodied rebounders and interior scorers it has, it is not supposed to be able to outrebound or score more points in the paint then their opponents, but that's what the Celtics did against the Lakers, grabbing 5 more boards and outscoring L.A. by a gaudy sum: 58-36.

And, yes, though the Lakers have endured even more downs than the Celtics have this season, the C's current heady play -- particularly that of 36-year-old PF/C Garnett and 35-year-old F Pierce -- following the loss of their most important player is only the most recent evidence that has been accrued in a theory that I've been working on for quite some time. I believe that they've been getting some outside help from an unlikely source and I'm not talking about PED's, and I'm CERTAINLY not talking about the NBA referee corps.

No, that source that I am referencing is far more shocking than you may imagine. I believe that the Celtics have been getting the backdoor assist from none other than the Dark Deceiver, the Prince of Darkness, He Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken himself...The Devil.

Now, I know
what you're thinking..."Doesn't the Devil play for the Lakers?" Well, no. He doesn't. He doesn't play for anyone. He's merely content to steal players' souls, enter into promising looking contracts backloaded with numerous trick-kickers, and generally mess with players' fragile egos while disrupting team balance.

How else to explain KG's Dorian Gray-esque youthfulness? Or the Phoenix-like rise of Captain Pierce after a string of games in which he appeared to be feeling every bit his age, only to spring to life with the unfortunate injury to Rondo (don't even get me started about correlation between his double-digit assists streak and recent season-ending knee injury!). Or the fact that players of Jason Collins and Darko Milicic's caliber found themselves on a team with so many future Hall of Famers (okay, now THAT was the Devil speaking through me. I apologize.).

Going back a few years, just think about the amazing good fortune that the C's came into in the assembling of the new Big Three after a series of seemingly unfortunate events. As we all can remember, the Celtics -- the team with the second-best chance to land the top pick in the lottery -- finishes out of contention for Kevin Durant or Greg Oden in the fifth spot, only to land the game's best power forward in Garnett and best shooter in Ray Allen via trades to pair with one of the best forwards in Pierce. The Celtics most certainly would have drafted Oden, and you see what MX-Missile they dodged on THAT score. All they got for their "bad luck" in the draft lottery was a magical run to capture the Championship that very same year.

How about the more recent past and the trade that sent Kendrick Perkins to Oklahoma City for the extremely gifted youth and promise of Jeff Green (whom we drafted then traded for Ray Allen in the first place, who also was the first domino falling for the Celtics that convinced KG to come to Boston) which resulted in Perkins' return to the Finals and Green's trip to the operating table with a life-threatening heart condition along with Chris Wilcox, an obvious reversal of the "great luck" originally encountered?

And, what about this year when the Celtics landed Draft-Day-steal Jared Sullinger, thanks to his slide that began with a report that he had a back injury that might require surgery later in his career? Well, he actually ended up needing surgery and...uh...umm...okay, I got nothing there.

Now, I may still be delirious from my bout with cabin-fever after "THE BLIZZARD OF 2013!", but I can tell you that there is some seriously hard evidence that proves the theory that someone on the Celtics...perhaps Danny Ainge...maybe Doc Rivers...Hell, even some of the players might be in on this dalliance with the Devil.

Brace yourselves, people...this is some seriously sinister stuff.

A few weeks ago, the Celtics won six games in a row conspicuously, after a dismal stretch of basketball, right (yeah, yeah, I know...Avery Bradley...savior...blah blah blah)? Then they went on to LOSE six in a row. And then...inexplicably after losing Rondo and Sullinger for the year, they go on to WIN six in a row again! Does anyone see the obvious and alarming pattern here?!?! No? Well here it is:

Six wins followed by six losses followed by six wins...666!!! The mark of The Beast! Beelzebub!! Satan! The Destroyer!!

Oh...wait, now...WHAT? The Celtics beat the Nuggets last night?!? On Grammy night?!? In triple overtime?!!?!!! That's SEVEN wins in a row? And, they just lost to the Bobcats?!? The Bobcats??!!?!! So, now, the totals are 667 and 1??!?!


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